She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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