I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
