It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
