he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
