I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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