What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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