her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
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If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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