it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
