My room smells like vodka and shame
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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