he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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