No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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