Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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