Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I look better un-naked...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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