i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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