why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
