the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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