1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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