i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i think my cat just said my name.
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