and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
