I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
