ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
