theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
