I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
only you would photoshop your dick
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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