I wanna bring you to show and tell
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
