i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
