Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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