i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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