There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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