I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This baby is an asshole
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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