Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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