sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize