I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
