This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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