"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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