You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
