Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
