nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
