Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
