JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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