she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
