Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize