My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
