Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
