quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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