Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
