dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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