Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
