I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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