just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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