God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
