I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
