You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
