So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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